Guest Poster: Dave Spies

November 11, 3:30 PM
Buenos Aires
It turns out we never made it to Uruguay. We took a cab ride to the ferry station, being passed along the way by several glaciers. Not giving ourselves enough time plus the excruciating progress of our cab meant no getting a ticket for the noon boat, which meant No Uruguay For Us Today. But that was okay, because we had a back-up plan: visiting the ANIMATRONIC OUTDOOR JESUS THEME PARK. As soon as Kia had found out about this and told us all about it, we knew we MUST GO. It’s located in the northern part of town by the Rio de la Plata. We took a long subway ride and a long (but swift!) cab ride to get there. To find it closed. CLOSED, GENTLE READER!! Thwarted yet again…however much we strained against gates of steel, the mighty bars held us from sights of hourly ascensions, Calvary and camels, palm trees and pachyderms.
So, we came up with PLAN C, which was to turn around and look at the mouth of the widest river of the world, Rio de la Plata. The path led to parakeets, piers, and planes, all of which would have been shielded from our longing gaze should we have followed the ORIGINAL PLAN to the T. A cab ride later, we found the Mecca of bohemians in BA—Palermo! This home of penguin pitchers pouring precious milliliters of Vinho tinto y Vinho Rosado into goblets destined for thirsty pilgrims provided an opportunity for another first for Yid Vicious—attacks of teeming throngs of those mighty raptors, the pigeon. Lest ye turn your back on your nourishment, literally thirty of these voracious avian stalkers will instantly tear into your meal with zeal hither unknown to ornithologists and consumers alike. Leaving shards of glass and peanut hulls in their wake, they escape to their native awnings and umbrellas, shielded from harm.
The wine-pouring penguin café also yielded another rich diversion into the world of the Porteno. We have wondered, fair reader, how the Porteno can withstand the onslaught of late-night dining, tango shows, subway fires, and the like. Well, wonder no longer—it is a concoction that infuses significant antioxidants into the corpus di porteno, and stimulates both mind and body for late-night forays. The substance of wonder to the Vicious Traveler—MATE. Ceremoniously consumed in a social setting, the mate container is filled aplomb with ample amounts of the leafy green goodness, then infused with piping hot water. A teaspoon of sugar makes the Mate go down much more smoothly. The container is drained by each Vicious Traveler via the bombilla, then is refilled with water, passed to next Vicious Traveler, Porteno, or acrobatic offspring, whereby the ritual continues anew. Every third pass around the circle, the spent Mate is changed out, ready to reinvigorate the weary, the curious, and the addicted.
So, Mate is good, mate with friends is better, Mate is NECESSARY to maintain the late-night/early morning tempo, and Mate is a friend of the Vicious Traveler!